I was recently told by a very... close friend that I needed to develop more of an "Eff You" attitude. As I shared this idea with other friends, I seemed to receive a lot of "agreement smiles". I guess that friend was right. Maybe I care too much. But can a person care too much? I have been involved in all sorts of relationships in my "adulthood" years, and a few of the most significant people in those relationships have sheltered a coping mechanism that involved pushing away the closest people to them and finding a very non abrasive way of hurting them so that they would not get closer. I have two problems with this; 1)It always ends up being abrasive and hurtful. And 2) these were significant people in my life, which means I was that close person they were pushing away. Now, I totally respect that mechanism. Especially after last year when the "so-called reality" of my world fell away from my eyes like poisonous scales, I realized that I had a very hurtful coping mechanism. I also learned that this mechanism was being used to distract my soul from the fact that I was trudging through a very thick case of depression. That's right, I said it...on the World Wide Web. I struggle with depression....
However I cannot reconcile this idea of hurting the people closest to you so that they will leave you. I suppose I did that in my own way. I would get involved people in my life (especially romantically) that were not quite what I was looking for. I would then seek out their potential and challenge it until I wore the person out and they left. And then I would dance in a pity party about how I was "leave-able". Not healthy, I know. It was a very thick layer of icing covering a big fat cake of insecurities that was baked way back in my childhood, and my heart was denying it's existence. I guess the rotting smell caught up with me. Anyways, all ridiculous analogies aside. I realized this about myself, and I realized that I chastized the people closest to me and placed a whole stage in my head that featured those main people acting in scenes that I assumed to be true; which usually included a plot where they did not really care about me and love me the way I loved them, and they were taking while I was just giving and giving and giving. The final scene would usually be some dramatic "meltdown" by yours truly in which I stated that life was not fair because I kept finding people who I loved and did not love me back.
As I realized I did this, I began to let those people into my life and cut them slack for not reaching my expectations, which I should mention were, in fact, UNATTAINABLE. As I released them of this forced role in my narcistic scenarios, I began to realize they did love me. They did care. They did want me around. Because they loved me. Which led me to believe there was something loveable about me (my therapist shot me the "It's about stinkin' time, Darci" look at me when I came to this conclusion). Those people have become my stronghold.
Therefore it is hard for me to understand how some people choose to push the most significant people out of their lives. These past three weeks I have fallen back onto a darker path on my journey and I have found it hard to leave the shadows and catch back up with the "sunny side" of the road. During this time I have felt a lot of my old insecurities creeping up behind me, and those demons whispering lies in my head that make me feel worthless and unloved. Oddly enough I have not put the people around me through a marathon of drama in order to make me feel appreciated. I have just...fallen behind. Sometimes I would feel like they were drifting from me, but somewhere within my logic I would be reminded that it was, in fact, me that was drifting. I also realized that at these times I did not hurt those around me to keep them away. I hurt myself to keep them away. I have entertained all the things that are destructive to my body, heart and soul. I have embraced all the things that create disgust towards myself. I checked off all the things on my "Don't Do This If You Want To Be Healthy" list. So basically, I tear myself down and fall back so that few people will realize it. Except for a few.
So when I am told to have a "Eff You" attitude, I totally agree that I need one for a lot of reasons. I tend to care FAR too much what people think of my actions. I nurse people's weaknesses because I want everyone to feel...loved and uplifted. I find joy in seeing other people find joy. I will hold on in a relationship...until the very end (I have even dabbled in the intense side of "holding on". And not intense like "wow, she is really persistant", but intense like "Why are you standing outside my window in the middle of the night" intense. Just kidding.....but seriously). Even if it means I get dragged through the mud. I just find this strength somewhere in me...and I hold on until either I am asked to let go, or I realize my strength has me running in circles. And while I believe people mean well because we are all just trying to make it through...people I care about tend to mistake my kindness for weakness, because they play off of my devotion of the love I feel for them. I end up wearing myself into an emotional exaustion... Now, there is a very fine like between kindness and weakness for me. And what worries me, is that I think I mistake my weakness for kindness...
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