Mind Stashes

I run as fast as gravity will allow. My feet are being good little troopers. I had been running for a long time now and I am still at the same stamina level as when I ripped out of that observation room. I'm really gonna pay for this tomorrow. I don't care, suffering the pain of an aching body is much better than being run down by... It. I'm not really "running away" from It because it knows exactly where I am going. I just need to get there first. By the time I arrive there and stop running the adrenaline is pumping so much energy through my body it feels like it is going to revolt and keep running against my will. I stretch a little bit to do some damage control for tomorrow and then I try to lower my heart rate. Okay, enough time wasted! I need to get there with enough time on my hands. I stand outside the door of my mind, searching the pockets for my keys. Once again the silence lowers itself around me and blocked out any hint of noise that tries to wiggle its way through the wall. I find the key, open the door and hesitantly walk in. I begin to rummage through the darkness in my mind. A darkness so shallow it was tangible, but so dark in color that I could not see through its slight curtain. I feel around the room and search for the little cabinet. I walk alongside the walls making sure my feet stay steady. Eventually I bump into something and bend over to feel around, and I touch the smooth top of the cabinet. This is it! I squat down putting my weight on the balls of my feet and reach for the metal knob. I would give my left leg... okay, maybe my left pinky toe for a stream of light right now. Buuuut.... I don't have that luxury, so I'm gonna have to make do with my sense of touch. I open the small door and get on my knees as I reach for the top shelf. Nothing. It's okay, there are two more shelves. I move my hand down to the second shelf and feel around, only to find that one was empty too. Not too nervous yet, I slowly move my hand down to the third and last shelf as if my slow speed would make it so that something would appear on that shelf. My fingers crawl around the shelf, encountering nothing but smooth wood. They start to pick up speed as my heart beats a little faster. They speed crawl around spots they already checked, hoping they had missed something. Argh! Nothing. When was this one emptied? I can't seem to remember....

I steady my heart as I remember that there is at least one more place I can look, possibly two. I close the door to the cabinet, and still on my knees I try to find my breath. I am annoyed to find my breath is playing hard to get, probably playing one of its stupid games of hide and go seek. But I don't have time to count, seek and then chase right now. So I put my hands on my knees and push as much air into my nose as possible. Then I open my mouth and breathe in more of the dark colored air. Goodness gracious that hurts my lungs! I really wish my breath wouldn't do this. Finally my breath realized it wasn't time for games and gave in to my insistent inhaling. I slowly stand up knowing that I was going to be dizzy from this quick game of hide and seek. I am. I steady myself back on the wall as I move towards my second destination. My fingertips feel along the walls as I walk slowly. I head through the hallway into another room. God, my hands are shaking. Why are my hands shaking like this, God? I already know the answer so all I get is silence. I try to ignore the feeling as I move on.

Once in the new room, I find the fridge in the dark and make my way to it, walking as if I was on a balance beam. How is it that my eyes have not adjusted to the dark yet? It usually doesn't take this long. The air still lightweight but pitch dark carries me to the fridge. I feel for the handle and pull it open. The light from the inside nearly blinds me and I have to close my eyes until the dark curtain lifts a bit from my vision. The cold air swarms around me and enters my pores one by one until it bullies out all the sweat beads. I didn't realize I was sweating that much. The dark curtain has lifted from the light and my eyes have adjusted. I begin my search. I look at all the shelves and find nothing. Trying not to panic I search the top shelf; moving the yogurt and the soymilk. Sliding over the water jug and picking through the eggs. I pull each drawer open and ransack them like I am a starved animal. I search through every can in the soda box. It's not in here, Darci. I stare into my fridge as if I had the mental powers to make something magically appear. I check the freezer for good measure. I check it three times. Three times I find nothing. I slowly close the fridge door and slump down. Think, Darci, think! There is another place you stash stuff....where is it? I rack my brain for every memory I have concerning this situation. I go through every step I can remember taking within this mind of mine and retrace every movement. Slowly the memory comes back and I remember where it is. Oh my, what am I gonna do if there is not anything in there? Ok. Focus. Go check first and then we'll go from there.

I rise using the fridge door as support and move through the dark air back into the hallway. This time I grip the wall and my fingers are shaking as if my body is being rocked by some kind of imaginary turbulence. I move a little quicker this time towards the very back of my mind hoping I'll find what I'm looking for. The curtain remains dark, but as I move through the hall towards the back, the air grows heavier; it feels like it's growing heavier with every step, as if it is trying to stop me. Walking feels harder, even though I am gripping the wall. Somehow it gets darker as I near the back, too. How is that even possible?! My body pushes back on the heavy air and moves clumsily into the room on the left. All of a sudden I realize there is a floor beneath me and it's creaking. Okay, seriously...are we gonna throw in some howling wolves and creepy owl hoots too? I laugh nervously at my horrible joke because I know that I really am afraid. But I don't know if I am necessarily afraid of the heavy creaky darkness as much as I am about not finding what I need. Yeah I do.

I freeze as I hear a knock on the door to my mind. The knock echoes through the hallway into the room and reaches me. It sends chills down my spine. What if its It? What if It ended up getting away from Determination and breaking through the glass into the observation room? I decide not to open the door. Instead I quicken my search, because even if it's not It, it could be anyone or anything trying to discourage me to find what I am frantically searching for. Frantically. Why am I frantically looking? I guess this is just how it goes. This is what I do. But it doesn't have to be. I don't have to rely on those things, right? I have grown stronger in the past year. That stash of attention is not a source of power for my soul. Or is it? I decide I am going to just "make sure" and check anyways. Just in case of like, you know, some "emergency". I know God. I don't believe myself either. The knocking has stopped for now, and I continue gripping the wall until my fingertips crawl their way over a doorframe. Okay, this is the room. This is where I remember putting it. The darkness in here is heavier so my body has to call for back up muscles as it pushes its way to the left corner of the room. I bump into several different things in the dark, but I am moving slow because my body is pushing hard so I barely stumble each time. My feet knock over a few boxes filled with things of which I can only imagine. All of a sudden dust starts to rise all around me and stick to the curtain of darkness. The now curtain of dust starts overwhelming my already unreliable breath, who decides to go deeper into its game of hide and seek. Oh no. As if the dust had the power to ignite memories, I realize what is in those boxes. I packed so many different stashes and detrimental fall back plans in here. This place is like a mine field to me. I had been scared that I would find a graveyard, but this...is much much worse. I just need to get what I am looking for and leave before I set anything off. I carefully slide my feet towards the corner in which I was headed, as if I was ice skating. Yeah, ice skating on the particles of dust leftover from my past.

I finally reach the corner and find the sturdy old box with the broken lock. I take a deep breath not knowing if I want to find anything inside or not. I bend down and slowly raise the lid of the box and peer inside. I see nothing. I start to pani...Duh, chill out. It’s pitch dark in here, you idiot! So I reach into the box slowly and feel around. Nothing. I let my fingertips crawl around every corner of the box. Still nothing. That's it. That was the last stash. There is no more. That's it. I'm ALL out. I don't feel sad. I certainly don't feel happy. I feel nothing. I slowly let my legs drop to the ground and I lean up against the wall. What does this mean? I've searched every place in my mind where I keep the stuff. Gone. When did I use it all up? Or did someone take it all? How would I ever know? So many people have been in and out of my mind since the last time I had to dig into one of these stashes. The knocking starts again and my whole body stops. I swallow a mouthful of dark air and dust and start to feel a little spinney. Again the knocking echoes through the hallway and races over to the corner where I am sitting and masterfully twists my body into a tense knot. After a few minutes of the knocking, I decide it needs to be answered. Usually Self Control was standing guard at the door and Determination was helping me organize and carry all the heavy things through and out of my mind. But I don't know what had happened to them. Last time something like this happened they had already made it back by now. Self Control had suggested that we make up a secret knock, but Determination and I made fun of him and we just never got around to it. I realize that it could actually be Determination and Self Control at the door, because I am the only one who has a key to my mind. They can't get in without me. Or...it could be It. It always found crafty ways to sneak its grimy sharp paws into my mind. But the door had to be opened for him to get in, and thankfully it wasn't. The knocking grows louder and harder.

I pull my twisted knot of a body off the floor to start making my way out. My body pushes against the weight of the dark curtain and eventually I reach the door to the room. I pull out the set of keys to my mind and fidget with them. My hands are shaking harder, making this task a lot more tenuous. Eventually I find the key to the door to the room I just left; the mine field. I turn around and close the door to the room. I stick in the key, and turn the lock. Three times. The clicking noise bounces past me down the hall. Just in case it is the horrid face of It I see at the door, or God forbid It finds its way back into my mind; this room full of ammunition won't be such easy access. The volcano of fear about to explode in my heart is calmed at the thought that I have some protection and control in this situation. The knocking catches my attention again as it quickens in pace. I stuff my keys deep into my pocket and start down the hallway towards the knocking.

The curtain lightens up and my body eases from how hard it was pushing through the darkness. As I near the front door, the curtain has lifted completely and I practically glide through the air. The knocking feels like drums beating through my body as I reach for the dead bolt. I feel the vibration of the knocks on my fingertips and all of a sudden I hear a different kind of drum sound; much louder and coming from all around me. The floor has begun trembling when all of a sudden, a slew of images trample into the walk way and run past me. These rushes were happening a lot less these days. It is like a whirling parade of tyrannical moments that carrousel around my body. I allow the parade to swirl and twirl its way around until it slowly dissipates into mid-air. That one wasn’t so bad. My hand vibrates again as the knock has grown stronger. I have to answer it. The knocking won't stop. They'll keep coming. I turn the deadbolt slowly and place my hand on the doorknob. Well here goes nothing I think as I slowly turn the doorknob and open the door...